


Diary of a Bewildered Witch

by katehathaway



Series: Only Everything [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Diary/Journal, Draco Malfoy is trying his best, Explicit Language, Fluff and Humor, Hermione Granger is Emotional AF, Hermione Granger is So Done, Multi, No Plot/Plotless, POV Hermione Granger, Pregnancy, Pregnant Hermione Granger, Unplanned Pregnancy, a lot of screaming, if Draco doesn't get Hermione what she wants he's a dead man walking, irreverent, she's pregnant and emotional she's allowed to yell into the void of her diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:02:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24737356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katehathaway/pseuds/katehathaway
Summary: Hermione Granger is pregnant. Godric help us all.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott/Harry Potter
Series: Only Everything [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1788676
Comments: 11
Kudos: 137





	Diary of a Bewildered Witch

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly irreverent and has very little (if any) plot but I hope you enjoy it and laugh nonetheless. I feel like I should mention it was brought on by a couple of gin and tonics? Anyway...

* * *

WEEK 1

* * *

Hm… did I renew the contraceptive charms?

?

Yeahhhh I'm sure I did.

* * *

WEEK 4

* * *

Oh, _fuck._

I did not.

* * *

WEEK 5

* * *

Oh, yeah… Definitely positive.

Fuckfuckfuck.

Ok, breathe, Hermione. Breathe. You're the brightest witch of your fucking generation or some shit unintelligent people keep telling you. You can do this! You can raise a child!

Right?

Oh, shit. Baby daddy's home.

Suppose he should probably know about this little blip. It's his fault anyway. Alright, just act natural. Smile and wave, girl, smile and wave. What does he _mean_ I'm never this receptive and accommodating when he gets home from work? How rude! MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I WORK A FULL-TIME JOB TOO, EVER THINK OF THAT? I'M TIRED, MALFOY!

NO, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M STILL YELLING EITHER.

NO, I'M _NOT_ MAD… Ok, well _now_ I am. But you started this!

STOP YELLING AT ME OK!?

Great… Now I'm crying. Look what you did.

Yes, I know I'm being emotional you prat! IT'S BECAUSE I'M BLOODY PREGNANT. There. Said it. Nailed it. I should win an award for this… Baby Mama of the Year? Why, I'm _honored_.

Oof.

He still hasn't said anything. Hmm… still breathing? Yep, check. Oh, oh wait. Ok, he's blinking! I repeat, he's blinking! Ladies and gentlemen, we have retinal response.

Talking.

Oh, boy. Better be good things. Hmmm bit of a bumpy start there, Malfoy. Omg wait. This is actually turning out to be super sweet. SO MANY GOOD THINGS.

Fuck, I'm crying again.

* * *

WEEK 6

* * *

Ewwww so much vomit. All the bloody time. This little shit better be cute because it's ruining my hair.

Don't.

Don't even _think_ about saying what I think you're going to say, Malfoy.

Too late – you fucking said it. You know what? Fuck you. WELL, SORRY WE AREN'T ALL BLESSED WITH HAIR LIKE YOURS! Yeah, well maybe I _wanted_ it to have your hair!

You want it to have _my_ monstrous curls?

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT NOW I'M CRYING AGAIN. Yes, I want you to fucking hold me and – Oh… Hold that thought, I have to be sick again.

* * *

WEEK 7

* * *

Did you know, it's the size of a grape?

How fucking adorable.

I love it already – though I should probably stop saying it. Malfoy says that's not very nice. Then again, what the fuck does he know? Sorry, baby blip, you're an it until we find out what genitalia I'm forming here.

* * *

WEEK 9

* * *

A FUCKING STRAWBERRY!

* * *

WEEK 11

* * *

Oh god… I just realized. It's a baby. Like a real live fucking baby.

What if I'm not ready for this? What I'm not ready to be a mum! WHAT IF WE AREN'T READY FOR THIS MALFOY DID THAT EVER OCCUR TO YOU? HUH? Oh, hey, don't forget to pick up some peanut butter for me, ok? Thanks, love ya.

WAIT DON'T GO YET I'M NOT DONE FREAKING OUT!

Don't tell me, "Calm down, love," or "Everything will be fine, love," or "I'm sure, love," JUST STOP WITH THE LOVE. How can you be so sure, hm? Yes, I love you, too. Obviously. Fuck. No – I just meant – Malfoy, you're not _listening_ – WHAT DID I JUST SAY.

Ok, fine I'll go take a nap.

Don't forget the peanut butter.

WELL I WAS JUST MAKING SURE YOU HEARD ME SINCE YOU SEEM TO SUFFER FROM SELECTIVE HEARING. FUCK ME. No, not right now… unless? No, you're right. You'll be late.

* * *

WEEK 12

* * *

How inconvenient.

Fuck you, Harry.

Fuck you, too, Theo.

Yes, Malfoy, I _know_ I should be happy for them and deep, deep down I am. Yes, I _know_ they've been waiting years for the Marriage Act to pass. It's bloody fucking brilliant, but that's beside the point!

How am I expected to go through an entire wedding without giving anything away, hm?

FUCK NO WE CAN'T TELL THEM ARE YOU INSANE!?

Well, call me crazy but I would like to ensure I'm growing a fine specimen with a beating heart before I go around owling everyone that we ever fucking met that we're expecting. Oh – and our parents. Oh, yes. HAHAHAHAHAHA you're so funny! Oh no. No no no no no. _Fuck_ no.

 _You're_ telling your mother. Fuck yeah, I'm going to be there! I cannot _wait_ to see her reaction, are you kidding me? I'm going to bring popcorn – Ooh wait – Fizzing whizbees. Godric, those are so addicting.

Ok, you're right back to the wedding problem. Well, I can't drink, for starters. Unless you want our little blip to come out a little blop. No, I have no idea, but just assume for the sake of the argument it means something derogatory. No drinking champagne, or butter beer, or ANYTHING at my best friend's wedding.

Merlin, Malfoy. Yes, I _know_ it's also your best friend's wedding.

Fine, then you can't drink either! Shit, I didn't expect you to give in to that so easily. What happened to my firewhiskey-before-bed man? Where did he go? Actually… he can take a break. Go on holiday. I wouldn't mind suffering through the next – what, six? Fuck, six – months of sobriety with a buddy.

Oh, yeah, no cold cuts either.

I DON'T BLOODY KNOW I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.

YOU _KNOW_ I CAN'T HELP BUT YELL WHEN YOU SAY STUPID THINGS – FOR FUCK'S SAKE MALFOY STOP YELLING BACK BEFORE I – NO I CAN'T WEAR THAT ANYMORE IT MAKES ME LOOK FAT – WHAT? YES, IT DOES! – OH, SOD OFF! – GREAT, NOW I'M CRYING _AND_ SCREAMING, HAPPY?!

Fuck you.

No, wait. Come back. Yes. Kisses. Loads of kisses.

Ugh.

Much better. _Much_ better.

Fuck, you're still making me go. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT I'M GOING.

This is exhausting and it hasn't even _started_ yet. No, not the little blip. The bloody wedding. JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY IT'S JUST A BLOODY PIECE OF PAPER IT MEANS ALMOST NOTHING. Shut up, Malfoy. Yes, I _am_ a romantic. Well, I said almost, didn't I?

Anyway, as I was saying.

Little blip is doing pretty good. I did some light research and apparently, it's been quite busy the past few weeks! Growing all kinds of cute little things. Now it's got some organs, muscles, bones, and even limbs. Tiny little arms and legs! Ok, so maybe it doesn't _look_ like it has those. But still.

I'm impressed, little blip. Go you.

Clearly, you get your work ethic from your mother. Oh – You heard me, Malfoy. Yeah, yeah, you love me. OH, THEY FINALLY KISSED! Fuck yeah, time to party!

Balls.

You're right.

This is lame. I want to go home.

* * *

WEEK 13

* * *

WE FINALLY TOLD PEOPLE!

The little shit is perfectly healthy and completely normal in reaching all of its milestones (side note: perhaps, it takes after _Dad's_ work ethic – I said what I said, Malfoy). Wow, and everyone reacted pretty well, too!

Mum and Dad were shocked.

Narcissa didn't freak out like I'd hoped, which was actually a bit of a bummer. I even remembered to bring the sweets for the show.

Harry, Theo, and all the other miscreants we call our friends were actually annoyingly right in that they said they _knew_ I was pregnant. At first, I wanted to be offended because that had to be a slight to my bump, right? Like what if I wasn't pregnant – how very dare they? But I was, so… Couldn't be offended by that.

Turns out – shocker – they figured it out after I didn't drink _anything_ at the wedding. Ron also quite bluntly commented on my breasts which would've been awkward if he wasn't so _him_ about it. Idiot.

Other than that, I feel great! SO MUCH MORE ENERGIZED THAN BEFORE!

Oh, oh, and guess what? NO. MORE. SICKNESS.

Fuck yeaaaaaaaah!

* * *

WEEK 14

* * *

A FUCKING KIWI!

* * *

WEEK 16

* * *

A FUCKING LEMON!

Speaking of lemons, Baby Mama has been _getting it._

Thank fuck for this flow of hormones. Honestly, I can put up with the constant crying if it means I get to constantly feel horny and wet all the bloody time. This is fucking fantastic.

* * *

WEEK 19

* * *

Am I waddling? I feel like I'm waddling… but with swagger.

* * *

WEEK 21

* * *

HALFWAY THERE!

HALFWAY THERE!

Apparently, even though its little ears formed a while ago, it can start to hear now. How exciting! That's right, Malfoy, watch how you talk to me because little blip can hear everything. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THAT.

Oops.

_Hush little baby, don't you cry_

_Mummy's going to sing you a lullaby_

_Hush little baby, don't say a word_

_Daddy's going to buy you something absurd_

_And most likely it will be something_

_Gold and small with two little wings_

_And if that gift he buys flies away_

_Well, that's a game that two can play_

_Hush little baby, don't scream and shout_

_Mummy and Daddy will always be about_

Oh, look. Daddy's crying like a fucking prissy. I swear if you get that from him and go running around school telling everyone "My father will hear about this!" I will disown you. Ok, I won't. But don't do it, ok? Deal?

I'm going to pretend you agreed with me, little blip.

Hmm now I have a headache from all that singing. Not that I didn't love it, of course… but next time it's Daddy's turn to make up silly little rhymes.

* * *

WEEK 23

* * *

A LARGE FUCKING MANGO!

* * *

WEEK 24

* * *

Shit, this is exhausting.

Merlin, it's hot as _balls_ outside. Thank fuck I'm not giving birth to a Gemini. Like the world needs any more of those. No summer babies here, no ma'am! Speaking of summer babies, where is my soft summer prince with my ice cream?

He's been very stressed lately, must be from work or something. Can't be me. Yeah, yeah, I know I should be more sympathetic towards him, but come on – it's not like _he's_ the one who is busying growing a brain or something (though maybe he _is_ … that would certainly explain a lot. I know, harsh, but such is life).

I'M MELTING FUCK LITTLE BLIP IS MELTING WHERE IS – Oh. There he is. Fucking finally.

What is this?

This isn't Rocky Road. _Mint chocolate chip?_ What, am I a masochist now, Malfoy? Is that it? Why on earth would I – DON'T YOU DARE SPOON THAT MONSTROSITY INTO MY – AH. Hmm… I don't want to admit but. He's quite right. This is excellent. Really fucking excellent. Yes, one more spoonful please Baby Daddy! KEEP 'EM COMING HOME BOY. No, it's meant to be endearing. Oh, for the love of – Ugh, yummmmm.

Fuck, my cheeks are wet. Why are they wet?

Is it raining? Nope. Am I sweating? Profusely, but not there.

Oh, fuck is it because I'm bloody crying again? Over mint chip ice cream, really little blip? Ugh. How pathetic. Don't look at me like that, Malfoy – Yes,I _know_ I'm being emotional. IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCK-TON OF HORMONES RIGHT NOW SOD OFF OK?

NO. NO, I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID HANDKERCHIEF.

Why are you wearing a suit? _How_ are you wearing a suit? In this weather, fucking hell.

Get that away from – Wait, is it _embroidered_? With your initials? Seriously, I can get this all gross with my endless tears and mucus? You really don't mind? Oh, fuck. WELL NOW I'M DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO STOP CRYING THANKS A LOT MALFOY.

I love him so much.

I mean I still kind of want to kill him, but I suppose I can forgive him, I mean… mint choco chip? _Who knew?_

* * *

WEEK 25

* * *

FOR THE ACTUAL SAKE OF FUCK TURN THAT RUBBISH OFF IT'S DISTURBING THE BABY!

Well, I don't _care_ if you read in some snobby aristocratic article that classical music is good for the baby's brain development, Malfoy! Little blip here doesn't like it. It kicks and kicks and _kicks_. Do you know what that's like, hm? DO YOU?

No.

Didn't fucking think so.

FUCK I HAVE TO PEE AGAIN.

Yes, play something from the baby playlist I made. It responds well to those songs. Over on the dresser somewhere – Fuck, I don't know where – Oh, wait. I was sitting on it. Ok, I got it.

Listen, I told you, I don't make the rules! If baby wants to listen to shoddy American rap, then baby gets to listen to shoddy American rap. Yeah, of course, I selected the clean versions. What kind of mother do you think I am? Oh, fuck. Missed that one. Oh, no, didn't miss it. Did that on purpose – because I couldn't find a clean version, that's why! It's little blip's favorite so, what do you want me to do, _hm_?

Ugh, my back hurts.

Maaaaaaalfoyyyyyyy. Honeyyyyyyyyyy. Babyyyyyyyyy.

Oh, yeah. Right there. Wonderful. Brilliant. You are the best. I love you. OUCH, FUCK. I HATE YOU. Would you stop crying? No, I'm sorry! Look, it didn't really hurt that bad. Malfoy. Malfoy. _Malfoy._ I'm fine, will you stop? Yes, I know you didn't mean to and – Yes, of course, I still love you, you idiot – STOP. CRYING.

Great. Now, we're both blubbering fools.

We blame you little blip. I mean, we totally love you and all, of course, but we also blame you. You understand, right?

* * *

WEEK 26

* * *

Godric, why is everyone so bloody irritating?

So, what if I'm going to work nearly seven months pregnant? No, I don't want to be here either, but someone has to! Because you are all incompetent, that's why.

Listen, Shacklebolt.

I'm _just_ saying – Well, if you had done it _my_ way then – No, I don't need you to call Malfoy. I AM BEING PERFECTLY REASONABLE. NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. WHEN HAS SAYING THAT TO A WOMAN EVER BEEN A GOOD THING, HM? ME BEING PREGNANT AS FUCK HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH – Fuck, you just _had_ to do it, didn't you? Now, look what you've done.

Telling on me to my Baby Daddy, really?

Shame on you, Shacklebolt. Shame.

* * *

WEEK 27

* * *

A CAULIFLOWER!

No, I don't want that for dinner, I was just – You know what? Never mind.

* * *

WEEK 28

* * *

Remember when I said I was energized? _HA_.

Little blip decided that wasn't going to last long apparently, because here I am: waddling around this bloody house with one eye open. I was _so_ looking forward to watching the documentaries I taped over the weekend but alas, it's not going to happen.

Sleep, sleep, sleep.

Then, of course, when _I_ want to try and sleep, little blip wants to jump and play and kick, kick, kick. HOW MUCH BLOODY LONGER? GET THIS FUCKING THING OUT OF ME – I love you – _GET IT OUT, NOW!_

I still love you, little blip, I do. I swear. No really. But also, can you fucking not? For one night, _please_? Is that too much to ask? I'm trying to grow you, you know. Sleep would be ideal for that sort of exhausting 24/7 job. Just saying.

At least Malfoy is taking his doting father-to-be roles quite seriously. It's really very adorable and makes me love him soooooooo much.

I mean, for starters, him decorating the baby's nursery?

_HOT._

Like… I needed a long, cold shower after he refused to go down on me on the floor of the nursery. I can't say I don't see his point but, still. A woman has needs. It's not like little blip would really care _where_ Mummy gets her socks of, right?

I'm going to pretend that it agrees with me.

I tried to help with the nursery. Apparently, I was being extra bossy. Rude. Though, he _was_ on to something with the color scheme and theme choice for the room. I can't say I'm not impressed. A bit put-out, but whatever. That just means I'll be able to guilt him into a foot rub or two before bed.

OMG WILL YOU _DESIST_ WITH THE RESTLESSNESS, LITTLE BLIP? MUMMY NEEDS HER BEAUTY SLEEP.

No, Malfoy, I do _not_ need you to sing to it again. No one needs that – Yes, honey, you were very cute. Very fatherly. That's not the point. Well, if you must know, the point is that you are bloody tone deaf.

Hey.

You asked for it.

OH, DON'T YOU DARE POUT AT ME. COME HERE. LET ME HOLD YOU.

It's almost as if he doesn't know how much he means to me? Fucking moron.

* * *

WEEK 30

* * *

THIRD TRIMESTER BITCHES!

Godric, I miss drinking. I could use a bloody tall glass of wine right about now. Yesterday I tried to sneak one, but then Malfoy just turned it into water. Balls.

The little blip is able to wee on its own now which is bloody brilliant because it means I have to go TWICE as much now. Sigh. It's a wonder I'm not severely dehydrated. Must be from all the water Malfoy is shoving down my throat. Someone – cough, Theo (I will find him. And I will kill him.) – let him get his hands on a maternity book.

Fuck me.

As if I didn't already suffer enough. NOW I HAVE HIM BLOODY NANNY-ING ME ALL THE DAMN TIME. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND LITTLE BLIP JUST FINE THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Anyway… Other than that daily annoyance things have been going quite smooth lately. Well, pregnancy-wise I mean. Other stuff, less so. I'm not too thrilled about all the bloody gawking I'm getting when I dare to leave the house. Funnily enough, I'm not too fond of being in the spotlight. Don't even get me started on Rita Fucking Nosy-as-tits Skeeter. LIKE BITCH I KNOW MY HAIR LOOKS ATROCIOUS TODAY AND MY CARDIGAN IS WORN AND HAS HOLES. IT'S _COMFY_. I'M _PREGNANT_. LIFE IS A TEENY BIT EXHAUSTING AT THE MOMENT AND FRANKLY I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT I LOOK LIKE SO _THERE_.

She and I don't get along well… still.

I can't wait to raise little blip to give her hell, too. We can bond over it. How fucking adorable is that? Goals amiright?

* * *

WEEK 33

* * *

A PINEAPPLE! EEP!

* * *

WEEK 36

* * *

ONE MORE _BLOODY_ MONTH HOLY BALLS THIS TAKES FOREVER.

Note to self: if ever pregnant again, immediately invest in approximately one-hundred new novels, headphones for when Malfoy snores, and an ample amount of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

OH – and tissues, _loads_ of tissues.

This little fucker is quite the kicker. I love you. I do. I swear. BUT FUCK ME, OUCH! Malfoyyyyyyyyy. Yes, the cream. Can you rub it _and_ sing this time? Ugh, you're the fucking best. Love you. So, so much. Do you think it'll be a football star? – Well, it's got the boot – it doesn't _have_ to play Quidditch! What if it wants to do something else, hm?

NO, YOU CAN'T FORCE IT TO PLAY.

Absolutely not. You're not buying a broom for it until it's old enough to charm itself right when it inevitably inherits my poor flying skills. Well, I don't _want_ it to, but it's probably likely.

Hmm… Then again it _would_ be adorable as fuck to see you two riding around playing your little games with the snitch. I said what I said, Malfoy. YES, THEY ARE BLOODY LITTLE GAMES. Brutal, positively, brutal, but still.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHY IT WON'T BE PLAYING! YOU ADMIT IT! SO DANGEROUS, I _TOLD_ YOU!

WAIT – Yes, put your hand here. What? No, I'm not going to hurt you. It's not a trick, Malfoy, fucking hell. Will you just – No, _there._ – I told you! See? It likes you. Or maybe it doesn't? Interpret the increased amount of kicking as you will, love.

* * *

WEEK 39

* * *

Ew.

I'm _showing_ now.

If you have never heard of that phrase, _please_ do not look it up. I warned you. I'm just saying. Aside from that fun little development, everything is great. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Not.

But still, it's almost fucking over, so… thank Godric for that.

Still love you little blip. I do. I swear.

But also, fuck you. I want my autonomy back thanks. Hugs and kisses. Love, Mum.

* * *

WEEK 40

* * *

A FULL-GROWN BABY!

Any minute now…

Any minute.

* * *

WEEK 41

* * *

GET THIS BLASTED THING OUT OF ME OR SO HELP ME I WILL BURN THIS HOSPITAL TO THE GROUND! AND YOU AND _YOU_ AND OHHHH, YES, HEALER, DEFINITELY YOU! I BET YOU WISHED YOU HAD PRESCRIBED ME THOSE MEDS NOW, DIDN'T YOU?

I am so bloated it hurts.

Labor sucks. Everything sucks. I want this to be over with. How much BLOODY FUCKING LONGER?!

Well, _of course_ I'm crying, Malfoy! I AM EMOTIONAL AND I AM UNCOMFORTABLE AND THOSE TWO THINGS EQUAL TEARS AND HYSTERICS. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

Oh, fuck here it comes.

Little blip is about to make its grand entrance and – AHHHHH – Oof, ok. Breathe. Breathe. – AHHHHHHH – Oh, my god when does it end? Fuckfuckfuck – MALFOY I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME YOUR HAND TO SQUEEZE THEN I'M GOING TO GRAB SOMETHING ELSE AND YOU _DEFINITELY_ WON'T LIKE THA – AHHHHHHHHH _FUCKKKKKKKK_!

Omg.

Omg it's done.

It's over.

Little blip is here! Albeit a bit slimy and not at all tempting to hold at the moment but – Oh, fuck. There are those pesky motherly hormones kicking in. – Yep, give it here. Little fucker.

Oh, it's actually so cute.

Omg now I can't stop crying again. Malfoy look! We did a thing! WE DID THIS BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL THING! Fuck, I'm exhausted. Here, you hold it. What do you mean you don't want to hold it, yet? IT'S YOUR FUCKING BABY, MALFOY, RIDDLE ME THAT – Oh. What? What is that?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

IT'S THE SIZE OF _NEW ZEALAND_.

You want to marry me? _You_ want to marry _me?_ Omg… Omgomgomg. Fuck. Yes. FUCK, OF COURSE I WILL, YOU IDIOT! I love youuuuuu, omg. I love you so much and I can't stop crying and holy fuck this is the happiest day of my life.

Oh, yeah, right. Sorry, here. Fuck, little blip is so cute in your hands. Ugh, when it wraps its entire fucking _hand_ around your stupid finger? I cry. I die. I'm dead. This is the best ever.

Hmmm, you're right I should probably stop saying "Little blip" and "it".

Oh, well.

Welcome home, little baby.

Love, Mum and Dad.

(But mostly Mum, _winkwink_ )

* * *

THE END


End file.
